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Our carefully curated sporting season, set out below, is under stress from the coronavirus.
Fatcat's NRL Tipping Competition, 'A Competition With A Difference', has been put on ice with the NRL suspending the season after playing just two rounds. As it stands now, if rugby league season hasn't resumed by early July, Fatcat will abandon the tipping competition and participants will have their entry fee refunded.
May's 20/20 Perect Vision tour, incorporating two World Series events, will only go ahead if the present social restrictions (e.g. the closing of pubs and golf courses) are removed. We are in positive discussions with Costa Plenti landlords about carrying our deposits through to when the restrictions are lifted. If there's any upside to the current circumstances, it may open the door for a few more members to join the tour.
March 16. The ESG&EC and Fatcat can provide the following update about their response to the COVID-19 pandemic and it's impact on current and future competitions. Both stressed that given the fluidity of the situation, all options remain on the table and they will continue to act on expert advice, with the health and safety of tipsters and golfers their paramount consideration.
ESG&EC President Davidson Love III has commissioned Professor Dick Faldo, a biosecurity and pandemic expert, to determine best practices to minimise the risk of participants being infected with the virus. The good Professor, the senior researcher at the world renowned Shearman Institute, immediately recommended all tipsters and golfers drink at least 6 schooners of Resch's draught on weekdays and plenty more on weekends.
"The medicinal qualities of a tall, cold glass of Resch's are universally recognised in the scientific community. It's known to cure chronic abscesses, tuberculosis, cholera, 'female complaints', mercurial eruptions, paralysis and even restore life in the event of sudden death so this virus should be a piece of piss. Unfortunately, for many of us, it's not a panacea for hair loss."
March 16. In respect of Fatcat's NRL tipping competition, "A Competition With A Difference", it will continue in Round 2 with the competition now closed to the general public as a preventative measure. Along with the NZ Warriors, Fatcat will relocate to Kingscliff for at least the next week however he won't be joining the Warriors at the Kingscliff Backpackers - he'll stay at the Balé complex in the Salt Beach precinct to work on the tipping competition and his suntan.
"The ESG&EC will continue to examine short and long term options to assist our golfers if May's World Series of Golf is abandoned. We would be willing to close the courses to spectators if that meant the event could go ahead. The cancellation of our most profitable event would also have catastrophic consequences not only for club's balance sheet but also for the NSW Central Coast economy. If that happened, we would be forced to seek Federal Government financial assistance," said President Love.
"I can’t stress enough that our club has never faced such challenges ... well not recently, not unless you count the Turd Round (see below) befoulment of Toukley golf course's pristine waterways last year and the subsequent unsuccessful prosecution of the club by the Environmental Protection Authority. Like then, we will do everything we can to keep our participants healthy, out of jail and our competitions strong. Frankly, an Australia without Fatcat's 'A Competition With A Difference' and the World Series of Golf is not an Australia I want to live in."
March 4. Sensing a lack of leadership aboard Royal Caribbean's Ovation of the Seas, Davidson Love and Seve Hemosteros filled the vacuum, took charge of the ship and appointed themselves roving medical wardens.
Pictured in their hazmat suits patrolling the corridors, within days of leaving Sydney the enthusiastic pair, dubbed Virus Busters by the crew, had disembarked to the lifeboats mid-ocean 327 passengers who displayed mild coronavirus symptons.
"Getting a table in the dining rooms or a seat at bingo is a lot easier now and there's still 7 days left to clear a few more passengers," said Mr Hemosteros.
February 6. Former Lewisham dux, Iditarod dog sled racer (pictured) and grand raconteur Glenn "Finn" Findlay will be stopping over in Sydney for just a few days later this month before heading north to sail The Whitsundays where he'll be scouting locations for the 2021 America's Cup.
His sole Sydney public appearance will be at Engadine Bowling Club's in the round bar, Friday February 21, from 3pm onwards where he'll perform a number of cabaret classics ("I Still Call Turton Avenue Home", "Tenterfield Musher" and a personal favourite "Quiet Please, There's A Lady Onstage" from his critically acclaimed and autobiographical Broadway musical, "The Lad from Oz".
Tickets can be purchased at the front desk when you sign in.
January 28. The week long sporting and cultural extravaganza, incorporating two sanctioned World Series events, will commence on Monday, May 18.
The club is anticipating around 16 starters for WSofG XXXII with the following venues now booked - Gosford (Monday), Wyong (Tuesday), Toukley (Thursday) and Shelly Beach (Friday).
Prospective Costa Plenti Estate residents are required to send their $200 accommodation deposit, half of which is non-refundable, to President Love's Cayman Island account by Friday, February 7 (details provided in group email January 26). The cost of a bed on the estate is expected to be $400 with the balance, once confirmed, payable early May.
The tournament entry fee is $450 and should also be preferably paid prior to the tour.
November 24, 2019. The club has released it's latest audited post-tournament accounts.
Balance Pre Match Play - $2,854.82
MP Revenue - $1,900 (17 players + 4 guests)
MP Expenses - $2,457.70 (green fees 1082, milestones 100, prizemoney 700, hospitality 575.70)
Tournament Loss - $557.70
Balance Post Match Play - $2,297.12
Davidson Love III
Club President & Auditor
August 5, 2019. The club received news this morning of the sudden death of UK-based tipster and past ESG&EC member Gary Phillips. Gaz suffered a heart attack during a social cricket match and was unable to be revived.
This is a very recent photo of Gaz (middle) borrowed from the Pudsey St Lawrence Cricket Club website (hover or tap image to enlarge). He's with brother-in-law John McGovern (hat), his niece Frances and sister, Lyn McGovern.
Our deepest condolences to Tracy and Liam on the loss of a loving husband and father and to all his family and friends.
Vale Gaz - a great friend to many on these shores.
Beercoin's listed price is underpinned by the cost of a schooner (425ml) of Resch's served in the public bar of The Entrance Hotel during the World Series of Golf (1 schooner = 1 Beercoin). In the 12 months to May 2019, Beercoin's market capitalisation rose 4.5% to $1,035. Hover or tap Beercoin image to enlarge.
The EPA has identified an area just out of bounds on the 14th hole of Toukley golf course as the sole source of the contamination, a spot where human stool types 6 and 7 were found in abundance, along with a few soiled baby wipes and discarded imodium packaging
combined with a profound interest in Anglican theological fashion, he confirmed travelling to and from Saints games with the wildly flamboyant and gregarious Froggy Smith had caused him to ponder on the emptiness and shallowness of his own existence and probably made him susceptible to the overtures of the fringe religious group
Tubby Waldorf was accused of failing to observe the rudimentary protocols of golf handicapping. Opposition leader Alexander Downer said, 'The annual Match Play Championship is one of Australia's premier sporting and cultural events, combining the pomp, ceremony and tradition of a British royal coronation with the appalling drunken behaviour of Munich's Ocktoberfest patrons
When the local press suggested Daley's latest alterations to the Al-Wakrah layout, originally planned to resemble the sails of a dhow boat, now made the course look like an 'enormous vagina', Daley replied, 'The resemblance to a woman's flange is more subliminal than intentional, but I for one love it
erstwhile colleagues and friends of Nicklaus were disappointingly quick to jump on the Webster bandwagon. Lady Morisset, a prominent member of Lake Macquarie high society, stated, 'When I first cohabitated with Tack, every morning I woke up, looked at him and just wanted to heave. The nausea slowly recedes with time but it never quite goes away
and I say to them today, I will not hand control of the ESG&EC over to Davidson Love III, Edwardo Romero and Big Jack Daley. The old regime will never again dictate the fortunes of our club, nor will they regain control of what they covet most - access to the potentially lucrative Dickworth-Lewis golf handicap algorithms
this includes a relaxing golden shower at either single flow (the Cavey Pavin) or dual flow (the Seve Hemosteros) courtesy of your caddies during or after your round and a free consultation with our immigration specialist, The Judge, should you be looking to import a caddy on a 457 visa
Jack acknowledged that he'd been in a very dark place when he went to Samoa. It was extremely fortunate, now he's sought readmittance to the tour, that their Medicare system could not afford to remove his enormous genitalia - it would have blown the island's entire health budget
the evidence is our player's basic golf skills are diminishing in key areas; in particular driving, long irons, short irons, steam irons (Jose-Mumma Olazabal being the sole exception), chipping, sand play and putting. General athleticism, game sense/match awareness and golf expertise has fallen markedly in this period
This quiz has been compiled by Ford Funk, an Immigration Judge and Australian President of the Don Lane Lay the Cable Institute. He is also a director of the discreet humanitarian aid
organisation, The 386 Society.
True or false?
Kim told The Judge about her night with Don and his unusual request
Unusual request? The Judge says it's a very normal and natural function although he accepts not everyone lays one on top of a custom built glass top coffee table in the lounge room
The Earlwood Social Golf & Euchre Club, a magnet for under-performing golf and euchre players from Earlwood and surrounds, is again hosting Fatcat's innovative "A Competition With A Difference". An $80 entry fee, which must be paid prior to the opening round, ensures participants 25 bouts of weekly tipping angst.
There are a few things that make this competition stand apart from all the others. The first is so very simple and yet fiendishly difficult - you don't make a selection in every game. On a normal weekend, you "only" need to pick 6 winners from any of the 8 games. These 6 picks are known as your scratch selections.
Second, another class of selections is added to the mix - handicap selections. The underdog in each game is given a points start and you must select a further 4 winners, again from any of the 8 games, taking the starts into account.
Besides the major prizes, there are 1. 10 opportunities during the season to win some cash. And finally, Fatcat conducts an entertaining, professional and most importantly a transparent competition as evidenced by the fact in 2019 just under two-thirds of tipsters had been involved for 10 years or more.
1. Based on the 2019 competition with 99 tipsters
Like every May for the past 31 years, the ESG&EC will pack up it's bag of tricks, golf sticks and 2. Scanlen's footy cards and travel up to the NSW Central Coast to conduct it's week-long festival of sport and provide solace and cheer to the 3. good burghers of The Entrance.
To assist players with their preparation, the club offers voluntary but popular pre-tournament 1, 2 or 3 day sea-level acclimatisation and hydration programs run by the self-accredited industry leader in hydration theory (but certainly not practice), The Shearman Institute.
2. Visit the NRL Tpping area of this website to see our extensive collection of 1980 Scanlens footy cards
3. Not to be confused with Jose-Mumma Olazabal, a rather bad burgher
The feature tournament of the '20/20 Perfect Vision Tour', the World Series of Golf is the ESG&EC's premier event. It is played over 4 rounds (2 teams and 2 individual days) at accredited courses on the World Series rota - Gosford, Wyong, Kooindah Waters, Everglades, Toukley and the traditional home of Friday's Championship Day, Shelly Beach (formerly known as Tuggerah Lakes).
Three-time winner and defending champion Davidson Love III will headline the expected international field of *Jose-Mumma Olazabal, *Seve Hemosteros, Rich Kent, Paulking Harrington, *Kipper Parnevik, Henney Stenson, *Peard Fulke, Garry Mize, *Java Haas, Sir Dick Faldo, *Hunter Meehan, *Edwardo Romero, Grantief Goosen, *Cavey Pavin, *Soldier Montgomerie, *Notah Kelly III, Trent Strange and *Per-Ulrik Fatcatsson (*past champion).
The lesser tournament of 'The 20/20 Perfect Vision Tour', the World Series of Euchre, is played mid-week at The Entrance Hotel Euchredome.
The knock-out event is held after Wednesday's races and begins with the all important draw for partners conducted by Blue "6 Card" Sheedy B.Eu (Hons), the Earlwood Euchre University's professor emeritus. According to the wily old matchmaker last year's winners, Tubby Waldorf & Trent Strange, will start at long odds to team up let alone go back to back.
The mighty Newtown Jets, defending Canterbury Cup Premiers and NRL State Champions, organise their final home game of the season as the Jets (and Bluebags) official reunion day. The ESG&EC is always well represented at this annual gathering, meeting at hipster heaven, the Henson Park Hotel, for a pre-game aperitif and watching the match (3pm kick-off) from the Lee Harvey Oswald grassy knoll adjacent to the King George V Memorial Grandstand and kiosk.
Dating back to 1989, The Championship is the ESG&EC's second golf major. Once famously described in Federal Parliament by opposition leader Alexander Downer as 1. ".. combining the pomp, ceremony and tradition of a British royal coronation with the appalling drunken behaviour of Munich's Ocktoberfest patrons ..", the tournament continues to draw record fields and healthy crowds to the challenging Cooks Peninsula links course, the R&A Marrickville.
The tournament is a handicap match play event spanning 3 consecutive weekends and, with the possible exception of the semi-finals, competitors must walk the course and comply with the nominated playing schedule. The start date will be confirmed mid-June after consultation with R&A officials and the ESG&EC astrologer.
Five-time winner and defending champion Davidson Love III headlines the expected international field of Seve Hemosteros, Garry Mize, *Java Haas, *Grantief Goosen, *Dick Faldo, *Peard Fulke, *Bourkie Baird, *Soldier Montgomerie, Karrie White, Hunter Meehan, Per-Ulrik Fatcatsson, Danny White Shark, Lewis Oosthuizen, *Notah Kelly III and *Tubby Waldorf competing for the prestigious Stephen Angry Anderson Trophy (*past champion). All members are welcome to compete in the Don Lane Invitational Qualifying Round even if they are unable to participate in the match play rounds.
1. From Hansard House of Representatives Report 1994