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The ESG&EC, in conjunction with card master Per-Ulrik Fatcatsson (B.Eu), Dean of Trumps at the prestigious Earlwood Euchre University (EEU), safeguard the rules, traditions, etiquette and professional standards of the game of Earlwood Euchre. The two are joint authors of the game's bibles, Rules of Earlwood Euchre and it's associated interpretive text, SECE Decisions on the Rules, Traditions, Etiquette and Professional Standards of Earlwood Euchre. The later is based on the judgments of the Supreme Euchre Court of Earlwood.
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May 20. ESG&EC officials have been questioned by Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) investigators over the befoulment of Budgewoi Lake last Thursday. Even at this early stage, the situation has been described by authorities as a looming ecological disaster.
The EPA has identified an area just out of bounds on the 14th hole of Toukley golf course as the source of the contamination, a spot where human stool types 6 and 7 were found in abundance, along with a few soiled baby wipes and some discarded imodium packaging.
Investigators surmise there maybe some interlaced toilets sheets yet to be uncovered in the surrounding areas although they remain perplexed as to why any individual would attempt to smuggle used toilet paper from the heavily polluted scene.
story continues in Part 2 ...
A despondent EPA spokesman said, "What we are truly struggling with is the absolute indifference shown towards this pristine waterway and it's marine life. Can you believe it? Not more than a 100 metres away from where we stand is an on course toilet !"
Earlier the same day, police cordoned off a 10 metre exclusion zone around the mens toilet next to the Toukley pro shop after the discovery of a bubbling faecal time bomb. After using industrial fans to disperse the sickening fumes, a fully-kitted Hazmat team (pictured) was eventually able to enter the crapper to decontaminate and breakdown the human waste through a combination of chemical retardant and 30 or so flushes from a high pressure hydrojet power washer.
Authorities contacted the club after reports suggested our members were playing a turd round that day but they've since been assured it was just a regular Day 3 of the World Series. The club is fully co-operating as the search for the culprit, one very sick hombre indeed, continues.
May 19. The club has released it's latest audited post-tournament accounts.
Balance Pre World Series - $1,924.85 (included $200 deposit with Shelly Beach for 2019)
WS Revenue - $7,390 (16 players + 2 tourists)
WS Expenses - $6,460.03 (course costs 3032, golf extras - ids, balls, shirts 1106.13, milestones 100, prizemoney 1450, hospitality - tues lunch, wed lunch, fri bar tab, beercoins 771.90)
Tournament Profit - $929.97
Balance Post World Series - $2,854.82 (includes $200 deposit with Shelly Beach for 2020)
Davidson Love III
Club President & Auditor
May 17. After a near 25 year drought, Club President Davidson Love III (pictured) has now strung together 3 World Series of Golf victories (2013, 2014 and 2019) in his past 6 starts.
Love finished on 6pts with wins in Monday's teams match play (paired with Notah Kelly) and Tuesday's stableford aggregate (partnered with Hunter Meehan) and seconds in the individual stableford (29pts) and stroke events (net 82).
Shire resident Hunter Meehan showed a welcome return to form with only his second podium finish in the past 15 starts. Meehan's results were a 2 & 1 loss in the teams match play (Rich Kent), a win in the stableford aggreagte (Love), a fourth and fifth in the individual events to finish on 13pts.
Brookvale Oval NRL interchange official Peard Fulke rounded out the placings on 16pts after a win in the teams match play (Romero), a fourth in the stableford aggregate (Strange), and a third and eighth in the individual events.
November 26. The club has released it's latest audited post-tournament accounts.
Balance Pre Match Play - $3,138.85
MP Revenue - $1,190 (17 players)
MP Expenses - $2,404 (green fees 978, prizemoney 700, milestones 200, hospitality 526)
Tournament Loss - $1,214
Balance Post Match Play - $1,924.85 (includes $200 deposit with Shelly Beach for 2019)
Davidson Love III
Club President & Auditor
November 25. Kenny Crenshaw (pictured) won his second match play title after defeating Notah Kelly 5 & 4 in The Pinnacle's championship match. The final never reached any great heights after Crenshaw cruised to a lead of 4 up after only 7 holes.
So complete and one-sided was the victory, former President Seve Hemosteros left the presentation area early to attend the Sydney FC v Melbourne Victory soccer match. "It couldn't be any worse than the crap served up today," opined the harsh critic of the club's playing standard.
Crenshaw's win comes on the back of a remarkable run - this was his third consecutive final. He played off 9 when he lost to Grantief Goosen (2015), 6 when he lost to Java Haas (2017) and 3 in this year's final. His 2019 handicap, +2, reflects that success.
Beercoin's listed price is underpinned by the cost of a schooner (425ml) of Resch's served in the public bar of The Entrance Hotel during the World Series of Golf (1 schooner = 1 Beercoin). In the 12 months to May 2019, Beercoin's market capitalisation rose 4.5% to $1,035. Hover or tap Beercoin image to enlarge.
Those few words printed in jest on a t-shirt by an savvy and opportunistic member took an already bitter rivalry and lit a blazing fire under it. In October 1994, Per-Ulrik Fatcatsson (Christian Brothers) battled Seve Hemosteros (Canterbury High) to the death in arguably one of the greatest games in Match Play history. It was sheer determination vs. swagger, Irish Catholic vs. Protestant, humble public servant vs. corporate heavyweight. The outcome shocked the sporting world and it's taken nearly 25 years for the players to sit down and tell their stories.
Few of the thousands of players who make up today's multi-million dollar Earlwood Euchre industry know anything about the game's origins, nor do they pay any respect and, more importantly, dividends to it's founders. That's about to change. The ESG&EC, a joint custodian of the game, has engaged one of the country's greatest strategic and legal minds, Tack Nicklaus QC, to protect it's commercial interests.
He had money, butchery smarts, a reverse golf grip and became the first player to achieve the club's coveted home and away double after winning the 1990 Match Play Championship and the 2002 World Series. So why has Tubby Waldorf been disliked so intensely, by so many, for so long? Maybe it's the much maligned Saturday morning horse tips or a wardrobe of striped shirts. But sometimes, perception isn't reality.
He was The Beatles of golf - a charismatic, handsome and slender figure from Engadine who worked wonders with the ball and thrilled galleries wherever he went. But Dick Faldo was also the lead in a Shakespearean tragedy fuelled by alcohol and the fading memories of old sexual conquests. We'll talk with the neigbours who nailed a bottle opener to their wooden fence to facilitate his afternoon drinking sessions and meet the only woman from the 'Lender of Last Resort' who spurned his advances - his sister - and ask her the big question: Does she now regret that rash decision?
The streak began when he defeated hot shot 6th seed Kenny Crenshaw 3 & 1 in the Round of 16. A week later, Heckle Sunday, he beat the favoured Tubby Waldorf 2 & 1. The following Friday he saw off the well-fancied Hunter Meehan 5 & 3. In the final match he defied the odds to beat Peard Fulke 3 & 1. Was it skill, good fortune or an old-fashioned and carefuly orchestrated betting coup that turned the perennial underdog, Bourkie Baird, into the 2013 Match Play Champion?
On December 10, 2013, Sotheby's London office auctioned off what could be considered the most important historical document in sports history - Seve Hemosteros' original World Series of Golf blueprint, drawn up at Robo Mediate's Macleay Place residence over a few drinks on Boxing Day, 1988. This is the story of one man's fanatical quest to win back this seminal artifact at auction and bring the document home to Earlwood where Hemosteros was born and raised. 25 years after he personally witnessed the blueprint's creation, Mediate inspired a group of wealthy benefactors to dream his dream and take a few shares in a couple of greyhounds as well.
Reader discretion is recommended - this story may contain frequent coarse language.
The young viscount rescued from a post-apocalyptic Warsaw became infamous in his adopted country when, at the age of 5, the first English words he uttered both contained four-letters, one beginning with F and the other beginning with C. Sitting for the HSC in 1973, he could not have been any prouder when he was awarded 2 F's and 4 C's by the Board of Studies. And nearly half a century later, it's hard to discern even the slightest expansion to the now Flemington Fruit Markets f*#klift driver's simple vocabulary. WTF*#k!!
A bold challenge, a fearless experiment and ultimately, a spectacular failure. In 1999 a new event challenged the establishment's cosy duopoly, the World Series and Match Play Championship, but after a promising start at North Ryde and a final round at Eastlakes less than a decade later, The Presidents Cup disappeared from the ESG&EC sporting calendar.
We remember the blonde mullet, a cigarette glued to the lips and those enormous fairway splitting drives that propelled him to victory at the 1995 World Series. We knew Big Jack Daly as much for those larrikin traits and his large dusters as for the constant drinking, womanising and swearing, mostly done off the course, that forced him into rehabilitation and a premature sporting retirement.
He's someone who played two sports professionally - golf and soccer. When speaking to others about him, I noticed something I'd never experienced before. At the mere mention of his name, people either immediately lit up in excitement or fell over laughing. Boo Boo's story isn't really a sports story, it's a superhero story. A superhero who broke his thumb shaking hands before an over 45's game in the Sutherland Shire minor leagues and, as a result, signed on as a marquee player with Sydney FC and became the face of Nike's landmark ad campaign, "You Don't Know Boo Boo".
The following excerpts are taken from Rules of Earlwood Euchre (1973) as amended published by Earlwood Printing, a division of the ESG&EC. This text has now surpassed Hoyle's Rules of Games to become the primary and definitive reference source for players of Earlwood Euchre.
All games must be played with the Queens Slipper brand of playing cards. Jokers, 2s, 3s, 4s, 5s and 6s are discarded, leaving a playing deck of 32 cards.
Euchre is not an outdoor game! It must be played indoors, preferably on licensed premises, and close to a plentiful supply of Resch's draught beer.
To start the game, players draw cards and the one with the highest card deals first. The dealer gives each player five cards (a hand), in lots of 2 and 3. The next card in the pack, the turn-up card, is exposed face up on the deck. The deal moves clockwise around the table.
If a card is found face up in the deck during the deal, or if the deck is found to be incorrect, the dealer must correct the problem, reshuffle and start the deal again. The deal is considered complete when the dealer exposes the turn-up card. From this point if any player has more or less than 5 cards the dealer has misdealt and forfeits the deal.
The suit of the turn-up card is the first option for trumps. Each player, in turn and starting with the player to the left of the dealer, has the choice to pass or call that suit trumps. An opponent of the dealer, if he wants to call that suit trumps, must order the dealer up. If the dealer's partner wants to call that suit trumps, he must turn the dealer down and go alone. If the dealer wants to call that suit trumps, he takes the card up. If everyone passes, the dealer places the turn-up card face down on top of the deck. Each player then, in turn, has a second and final chance to pass or make trumps but the call must be for one of the other three suits. If all players pass a second time, the hands are thrown in and the deal is passed on.
Only the dealer can accept the turn-up card or be ordered, by his opponents, to accept it. Both calls make the turn-up card suit trumps and allow the dealer the right to a the turn-up card to his hand. The dealer then discards a card of his choice.
The dealer's partner is the only player who can turn the dealer down. The call requires the dealer to place the turn-up card and his own hand face down on the deck. The dealer's partner must then play the hand alone against his two opponents.
Whoever calls trumps becomes the maker and, with the exception of turning the dealer down, has the right to play the hand alone. If the maker goes alone his partner must return his hand face down to the deck and stay out of the play.
Play begins with the player to the left of the dealer leading a card to start the first trick. If able, a player must follow suit on the lead. If he cannot follow suit, he may play any card. A trick is won by the highest trump or, if it contains no trumps, by the highest card played of the lead suit. The winner of the trick leads the first card for the next trick.
A player who does not follow suit when able reneges. A player may correct his renege before the trick is gathered, otherwise it stands as established. If the player corrects his renege, the cards played on the trick after his may be retracted and, in turn and if now required to win the trick, be replaced by another card. For an established renege, the opponents of the offender a 2 points to their score.
With the exception of an established renege, only the side that wins three or more tricks scores. Winning all five tricks is called a march. When the making side fails to win the majority of tricks it is euchred. The making side, when both are playing, scores 1 point for winning three or four tricks, or 2 for a march. A maker playing alone scores 1 point for winning three or four tricks, or 4 for a march. Opponents of the maker score 2 points for a euchre. It is customary for each side to keep track of the number of points it has won by use of two cards, a five and a six.
The first side to score 11 points wins the game.
Table talk falls into one of two categories - gamesmanship or cheating. The first can add to a game while the second, if not prematurely ending the game in uproar, detracts substantially from it. Determining which category a comment falls into depends to a great extent on who said it - an opponent or your partner. If you deal and turn up a bower, an opponent might pass by muttering, "I never order up a bower." This is considered gamesmanship - a bluff or a dare to the dealer. The same thing said solely by the dealer's partner would be considered inappropriate. If on the other hand your opponent says, "I never order up a bower", and your partner then replies "Nor do I", that's a gamesmanship return of serve!
An opponent of the dealer may attempt to suggest to the dealer that he holds a strong hand by hesitating before passing. That's gamesmanship - once again it should be considered a bluff or a dare to the dealer. The dealer's partner however, after checking his cards, is required to pass promptly when it's his turn. Hesitation on his part would be considered cheating.
After everyone has played a card, the team that wins the trick is expected to remove the cards from the centre of the table. This task would normally fall to the non-winning partner to allow his teammate to concentrate on his lead. The trick is then placed in front of the winning team.
When the same teams play consecutive games, the losers (mugs) are granted the first deal of the new game without cutting the cards.
Dealers must greet a bower turn-up card with a whistle and a Benny Hill style salute.