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Fatcat's NRL Tipping Ponzi Scheme No.1

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Edmund Resch
Brewer by Appointment
to the Governor-General

Edmund Resch

The ESG&EC

Making Euchre Great Again,
One Trick At A Time

Celebrating Years Of Resch's Enhanced Sporting Excellence

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Resch's Long Bottle Pilsener.
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Ideal at the 19th hole

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The beer that turns
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Resch's the beer we drink 'round here (NSW)

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Known to cure chronic abscesses, tuberculosis, cholera, "female complaints", mercurial eruptions, paralysis and even restore life in the event of sudden death

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Where cooper rhymes with super duper and carpentry with er, um, arh ??
 
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Needing to win the final trick and leading an off suit 7, the euchre rascal's cry is, "Get around little doggie!"

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THE ROLE OF THE ESG&EC

EARLWOOD TIME

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The ESG&EC, in conjunction with card master Per-Ulrik Fatcatsson (B.Eu), Dean of Trumps at the prestigious Earlwood Euchre University (EEU), safeguard the rules, traditions, etiquette and professional standards of the game of Earlwood Euchre.  The two are joint authors of the game's bibles, Rules of Earlwood Euchre and it's associated interpretive text, SECE Decisions on the Rules, Traditions, Etiquette and Professional Standards of Earlwood Euchre based on the judgments of the Supreme Euchre Court of Earlwood.

EARLWOOD EUCHRE RULES

JAVA TOURNAMENT CLOCK

MAY TOUR COVID-19 UPDATE

April 29.  Our '20/20 Perfect Vision Tour', incorporating two World Series events, will only go ahead if and when the present social restrictions are relaxed.

We have cancelled our course and accommodation bookings for the week of May 18 with a number of Central Coast golf courses reporting they have limited course access to members only.  Costa Plenti landlords have agreed to carry accommodation deposits forward.

Business entrepreneur Wayne Pearce has been appointed by ESG&EC President Love with a brief to have the tournament start as soon as possible.  A former Leichhardt Oval hot dog vendor, Pearce is overseeing the club's 'Project Uranus' and seeking out the advice of as many as five different club experts to determine appropriate safety protocols, as well as the most appropriate accommodation to house the players when the tour gets underway.

Pearce said the initial advice of infectious and sexually transmitted diseases expert, Professor Shearman, was cause for optimism. "Absolutely.  The meetings I’ve had with him have been mostly very encouraging and then later in the afternoon somewhat bewildering.  The biosecurity aspect is the core aspect up front that we need to address because those parameters determine where and when the event can be played and that feeds into what the tournament structure will look like.

"There's a fair bit of work that needs to be done in terms of protocols but most importantly players are certainly keen to get up there as soon as possible.  They're willing to put their lives on hold and enter a self-imposed Central Coast bubble."

NRL TIPPING COVID-19 UPDATE

April 29.  With the NRL announcing plans yesterday to have their season resume on May 28 Fatcat's NRL tipping competition, 'A Competition With Differnce' is now defrosting after being removed from the freezer.

The NRL is aiming to play 20 rounds by late September which easily fits into Fatcat's nominated conditions for reviving the competition (a minimum 16 rounds by the October long weekend)

There's still a few obstacles for the NRL to overcome so we'll see how they unfold out over the coming days.  Expect more news in a fortnight.

CLUB HEROES CLEAR SHIP OF CORONAVIRUS

Coronavirus Busters, Davidson Love and Seve Hemosteros

March 4.  Sensing a lack of leadership aboard Royal Caribbean's Ovation of the Seas, Davidson Love and Seve Hemosteros filled the vacuum, took charge of the ship and appointed themselves roving medical wardens.

Pictured in their hazmat suits patrolling the corridors, within days of leaving Sydney the enthusiastic pair, dubbed Virus Busters by the crew, had disembarked to the lifeboats mid-ocean 327 passengers who displayed mild coronavirus symptons.

"Getting a table in the dining rooms or a seat at bingo is a lot easier now and there's still 7 days left to clear a few more passengers," said Mr Hemosteros.

THE LAD FROM OZ RETURNS EVER SO BRIEFLY

Musher Glenn Findlay

February 6.  Former Lewisham dux, Iditarod dog sled racer (pictured) and grand raconteur Glenn "Finn" Findlay will be stopping over in Sydney for just a few days later this month before heading north to sail The Whitsundays where he'll be scouting locations for the 2021 America's Cup.

His sole Sydney public appearance will be at Engadine Bowling Club's in the round bar, Friday February 21, from 3pm onwards where he'll perform a number of cabaret classics ("I Still Call Turton Avenue Home", "Tenterfield Musher" and a personal favourite "Quiet Please, There's A Lady Onstage" from his critically acclaimed and autobiographical Broadway musical, "The Lad from Oz".

Tickets can be purchased at the front desk when you sign in.

CLUB FINANCIAL STATEMENT POST 2019 MATCH PLAY

November 24, 2019.  The club has released it's latest audited post-tournament accounts.

Balance Pre Match Play - $2,854.82

MP Revenue - $1,900 (17 players + 4 guests)

MP Expenses - $2,457.70 (green fees 1082, milestones 100, prizemoney 700, hospitality 575.70)

Tournament Loss - $557.70

Balance Post Match Play - $2,297.12

Davidson Love III
Club President & Auditor

View the club's recent financial statements

VALE GAZ PHILLIPS

August 5, 2019.  The club received news this morning of the sudden death of UK-based tipster and past ESG&EC member Gary Phillips.  Gaz suffered a heart attack during a social cricket match and was unable to be revived.

Gary Phillips

This is a very recent photo of Gaz (middle) borrowed from the Pudsey St Lawrence Cricket Club website (hover or tap image to enlarge).  He's with brother-in-law John McGovern (hat), his niece Frances and sister, Lyn McGovern.

Our deepest condolences to Tracy and Liam on the loss of a loving husband and father and to all his family and friends.

Vale Gaz - a great friend to many on these shores.

EARLWOOD SECURITIES EXCHANGE

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Beercoin's listed price is underpinned by the cost of a schooner (425ml) of Resch's served in the public bar of The Entrance Hotel during the World Series of Golf (1 schooner = 1 Beercoin).  In the 12 months to May 2019, Beercoin's market capitalisation rose 4.5% to $1,035.

CATHOLICS vs. CONVICTS
30 Tales for 30 Years

These few words printed in jest on a t-shirt by an savvy and opportunistic member took an already bitter rivalry and lit a blazing fire under it.

In October 1994, Per-Ulrik Fatcatsson (Christian Brothers) battled Seve Hemosteros (Canterbury High) to the death in arguably one of the greatest games in Match Play history.  It was sheer determination vs. swagger, Irish Catholic vs. Protestant, humble public servant vs. corporate heavyweight.

The outcome shocked the sporting world and it's taken nearly 25 years for the players to sit down and tell their stories.

SILLY LITTLE GAMES
30 Tales for 30 Years

Few of the thousands of players who make up today's multi-million dollar Earlwood Euchre industry know anything about the game's origins, nor do they pay any respect and, more importantly, dividends to it's founders.

That's about to change.

The ESG&EC, a joint custodian of the game, has engaged one of the country's greatest strategic and legal minds, Tack Nicklaus QC, to protect it's commercial interests.

I HATE TUBBY WALDORF
30 Tales for 30 Years

He had money, butchery smarts, a reverse golf grip and became the first player to achieve the club's coveted home and away double after winning the 1990 Match Play Championship and the 2002 World Series.

So why has Tubby Waldorf been disliked so intensely, by so many, for so long?  Maybe it's the much maligned Saturday morning horse tips or a wardrobe of striped shirts.

But sometimes, perception isn't reality.

DICK FALDO - ALL BY HIMSELF
30 Tales for 30 Years

He was The Beatles of golf - a charismatic, handsome and slender figure from Engadine who worked wonders with the ball and thrilled galleries wherever he went.

But Dick Faldo was also the lead in a Shakespearean tragedy fuelled by alcohol and the fading memories of old sexual conquests.

We'll talk with the neigbours who nailed a bottle opener to their wooden fence to facilitate his afternoon drinking sessions and meet the only woman from the 'Lender of Last Resort' who spurned his advances - his sister - and ask her the big question:  Does she now regret that rash decision?

FOUR 'DOG' DAYS IN NOVEMBER
30 Tales for 30 Years

The streak began when he defeated hot shot 6th seed Kenny Crenshaw 3 & 1 in the Round of 16.  A week later, Heckle Sunday, he beat the favoured Tubby Waldorf 2 & 1.  The following Friday he saw off the well-fancied Hunter Meehan 5 & 3.  In the final match he defied the odds to beat Peard Fulke 3 & 1.

Was it skill, good fortune or an old-fashioned and carefuly orchestrated betting coup that turned the perennial underdog, Bourkie Baird, into the 2013 Match Play Champion?

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME
30 Tales for 30 Years

On December 10, 2013, Sotheby's London office auctioned off what could be considered the most important historical document in sports history - Seve Hemosteros' original World Series of Golf blueprint, drawn up at Robo Mediate's Macleay Place residence over a few drinks on Boxing Day, 1988.

This is the story of one man's fanatical quest to win back this seminal artifact at auction and bring the document home to Earlwood where Hemosteros was born and raised.

25 years after he personally witnessed the blueprint's creation, Mediate inspired a group of wealthy benefactors to dream his dream and take a few shares in a couple of greyhounds as well.

THE PRINCE OF PROFANITY
30 Tales for 30 Years

Reader discretion is recommended - this story may contain frequent coarse language.

The young viscount rescued from a post-apocalyptic Warsaw became infamous in his adopted country when, at the age of 5, the first English words he uttered both contained four-letters, one beginning with F and the other beginning with C.

Sitting for the Higher School Certificate in 1973, he could not have been any prouder when he was awarded 2 F's and 4 C's by the Board of Studies.

And nearly half a century later, it's hard to discern even the slightest expansion to the now Flemington Fruit Markets f*#klift driver's simple vocabulary.  WTF*#k !!

SMALL POTATOES: WHO KILLED THE PRESIDENTS CUP
30 Tales for 30 Years

A bold challenge, a fearless experiment and ultimately, a spectacular failure.

In 1999 a new event challenged the establishment's cosy duopoly, the World Series and Match Play Championship, but after a promising start at North Ryde and a final round at Eastlakes less than a decade later, The Presidents Cup disappeared from the ESG&EC sporting calendar.

HIT 'EM HARD - MY LIFE WITH BIG BALLS, BABES AND BOOZE
30 Tales for 30 Years

We remember the blonde mullet, a cigarette glued to the lips and those enormous fairway splitting drives that propelled him to victory at the 1995 World Series.

We knew Big Jack Daly as much for those larrikin traits and his large dusters as for the constant drinking, womanising and swearing, mostly done off the course, that forced him into rehabilitation and a premature sporting retirement.

YOU DON'T KNOW BOO BOO
30 Tales for 30 Years

He's someone who played two sports professionally - golf and soccer.  When speaking to others about him, I noticed something I'd never experienced before.  At the mere mention of his name, people either immediately lit up in excitement or fell over laughing.

Boo Boo's story isn't really a sports story, it's a superhero story.  A superhero who broke his thumb shaking hands before an over 45's game in the Sutherland Shire minor leagues and, as a result, signed on as a marquee player with Sydney FC and became the face of Nike's landmark ad campaign, "You Don't Know Boo Boo".

The following excerpts are taken from Rules of Earlwood Euchre (1973) as amended published by Earlwood Printing, a division of the ESG&EC.  This text has now surpassed Hoyle's Rules of Games to become the primary and definitive reference source for players of Earlwood Euchre.

Chapter 1.  Playing Conditions

  1. Equipment - All games must be played with the Queens Slipper brand of playing cards.  Jokers, 2s, 3s, 4s, 5s and 6s are discarded, leaving a playing deck of 32 cards.
  2. Venue - Euchre is not an outdoor game!  It must be played indoors, preferably on licensed premises, and close to a plentiful supply of Resch's draught beer.
  3. Chapter 2.  Rules

    1. Deal - To start the game, players draw cards and the one with the highest card deals first.  The dealer gives each player five cards (a hand), in lots of 2 and 3.  The next card in the pack, the turn-up card, is exposed face up on the deck.  The deal moves clockwise around the table.
    2. New Deal/Misdeal - If a card is found face up in the deck during the deal, or if the deck is found to be incorrect, the dealer must correct the problem, reshuffle and start the deal again.  The deal is considered complete when the dealer exposes the turn-up card.  From this point if any player has more or less than 5 cards the dealer has misdealt and forfeits the deal.
    3. Passing/Calling Trumps - The suit of the turn-up card is the first option for trumps.  Each player, in turn and starting with the player to the left of the dealer, has the choice to pass or call that suit trumps.  An opponent of the dealer, if he wants to call that suit trumps, must order the dealer up.  If the dealer's partner wants to call that suit trumps, he must turn the dealer down and go alone.  If the dealer wants to call that suit trumps, he takes the card up.  If everyone passes, the dealer places the turn-up card face down on top of the deck.  Each player then, in turn, has a second and final chance to pass or make trumps but the call must be for one of the other three suits.  If all players pass a second time, the hands are thrown in and the deal is passed on.
    4. Ordering Up/Taking Up/Turning Down - Only the dealer can accept the turn-up card or be ordered, by his opponents, to accept it.  Both calls make the turn-up card suit trumps and allow the dealer the right to a the turn-up card to his hand.  The dealer then discards a card of his choice.  The dealer's partner is the only player who can turn the dealer down.  The call requires the dealer to place the turn-up card and his own hand face down on the deck.  The dealer's partner must then play the hand alone against his two opponents.
    5. Going Alone - Whoever calls trumps becomes the maker and, with the exception of turning the dealer down, has the right to play the hand alone.  If the maker goes alone his partner must return his hand face down to the deck and stay out of the play.
    6. Play - Play begins with the player to the left of the dealer leading a card to start the first trick.  If able, a player must follow suit on the lead.  If he cannot follow suit, he may play any card.  A trick is won by the highest trump or, if it contains no trumps, by the highest card played of the lead suit.  The winner of the trick leads the first card for the next trick.
    7. Renege - A player who does not follow suit when able reneges.  A player may correct his renege before the trick is gathered, otherwise it stands as established.  If the player corrects his renege, the cards played on the trick after his may be retracted and, in turn and if now required to win the trick, be replaced by another card.  For an established renege, the opponents of the offender a 2 points to their score.
    8. Scoring - With the exception of an established renege, only the side that wins three or more tricks scores.  Winning all five tricks is called a march.  When the making side fails to win three tricks it is euchred.  The making side, when both are playing, scores 1 point for winning three or four tricks, or 2 for a march.  A maker playing alone scores 1 point for winning three or four tricks, or 4 for a march.  Opponents of the maker score 2 points for a euchre.  It is customary for each side to keep track of the number of points it has won by use of two cards, a five and a six.
    9. Winning - The first side to score 11 points wins the game.
    10. Chapter 3.  Etiquette

      1. Table Talk - Table talk falls into one of two categories - gamesmanship or cheating.  The first can add to a game while the second, if not prematurely ending the game in uproar, detracts substantially from it.  Determining which category a comment falls into depends to a great extent on who said it - an opponent or your partner.  If you deal and turn up a bower, an opponent might pass by muttering, "I never order up a bower."  This is considered gamesmanship - a bluff or a dare to the dealer.  The same thing said solely by the dealer's partner would be considered inappropriate.  If on the other hand your opponent says, "I never order up a bower", and your partner then replies "Nor do I", that's a gamesmanship return of serve!.
      2. Hesitating Before Passing - An opponent of the dealer may attempt to suggest to the dealer that he holds a strong hand by hesitating before passing.  That's gamesmanship - once again it should be considered a bluff or a dare to the dealer.  The dealer's partner however, after checking his cards, is required to pass promptly when it's his turn.  Hesitation on his part would be considered cheating.
      3. Housekeeping at the Table - After everyone has played a card, the team that wins the trick is expected to remove the cards from the centre of the table.  This task would normally fall to the non-winning partner to allow his teammate to concentrate on his lead.  The trick is then placed in front of the winning team.
      4. Chapter 4.  Traditions

        1. Mugs Away - When the same teams play consecutive games, the losers (mugs) are granted the first deal of the new game without cutting the cards.
        2. Bower Turn-up - Dealers must greet a bower turn-up card with a whistle and a Benny Hill style salute.
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