ESG&EC Match Play Championship
Making Golf Great Again, One Hole At A Time &
Celebrating Years Of
Reschs Enhanced Sporting Excellence
The ESG&EC wishes it's members, golfers, euchre players, greyhound syndicate shareholders and Fatcat's NRL tipsters a Merry Christmas and a Prosperous, Happy New Year.
15 June 2000
Dear Tony,
As per our usual tournament schedule, I am interested in booking places at Marrickville for our WS Cocks Plate Spring Matchplay Championship in October. The Championship is planned to commence on Sunday, 8 October and conclude on Sunday, 22 October.
Accordingly, could you please book 5 tee off times (20 players) for 8 October, 2 times (8 players) for 15 October and 1 time for 22 October. We would like tee off on the tail of the members competition if that can be arranged.
Please find attached our annual contribution for your members competition trophies. Thank you for your assistance.
Yours in Golf and Euchre,
Fatcat
Dean
Faculty of Euchre
22 August 2000
Dear Grand Wizard of Golfing Figures and Bovine Culture,
Named below are the members who will be invited to this years Spring Matchplay Championship. Could you please cast your eye over their recent performances - and absences - and advise me of handicaps by mid-September.
The 28 invitees will be Fatcat, Blocker, JPY, Java, Davo, Kragg, WG Field, Cavey, Danmeister, Simon, Danny White, Jack, Dickie, PW, Max, Ken, Angry, Kodak, Hemo, Soldier, Dave Ford, Boo Boo, Bluey, Brownie, Tackhead, Whitey, Prince Wotenski and your good self.
Amongst the membership are two players, both veterans of the tour, who have still not claimed a tournament victory. I refer to Dickie (17 tournaments) and Simon (12 tournaments). Your story about leading a horse to water is still ringing in my ears but your kind consideration of slightly more favourable handicaps for these members would again be due recognition of their loyal service.
Should you need any additional information, I am available around the clock.
Your humble servant,
Fatcat
Chief Executive Officer
Earlwood Organising Committee Of Golf
EOCOG
45 DAYS TO GO!!!
THE FLAG RELAY - AGING POTATO FARMER CONTINUES TO BEAR THE LOAD - DAY 55
The Flag Relay continues to shuffle through the streets of Earlwood on it's way to the Marrickville cauldron. The aging potato farmer, Cliff Young, is expected to complete the Homer Street segment later today. Mr Young has stated that his progress has been hampered due to the Earlwood Organising Committee Of Golf's insistence that he run the local roads in golf spikes.
Mr Fatcat, flag relay spokesman, denies that there are problems with the relay timetable. "My job is to ensure that the flag is at the R&A on October 8 and it will be."
Earlwood residents, not on the relay route, are invited to visit the flag which is housed nightly in a replica of the R&A's 18th green inside the saloon bar of the Earlwood Village Hotel. And with the relay well into its last 7 weeks, speculation continues to mount over who will be chosen to carry the flag across the Beaman Park bridge and plant it in the hallowed grounds of the 18th green.
REAL AUSTRALIANS TELL OF THEIR OCTOBER EXPECTATIONS IN MATCHPLAY MARKETING BLITZ
With just 45 days to the 2000 WS Cocks Plate Spring Matchplay Championship, the Earlwood Organising Committee for Golf (EOCOG) is putting to air its final suite of television commercials featuring real people talking about their experiences and expectations for The Championship. The commercials, airing on all networks from tonight until the start of The Championship (Sunday 8 October), feature:
EARLWOOD OFFICIALS SPEAK OUT
"Whether you're giving your heart and soul out on The Royal, or screaming your support from the R&A balcony, the WS Cocks Plate Spring Matchplay
Championship is an event for every Australian to savour and enjoy. Together with the support of our October Partners - Halal Meats, Kuwait Video, Al Fajers Takeaway and Boutique
Nassour - these will be 3 weekends that live with us forever."
Juan Antonio Fatcat
"We hope to use this event to leave a legacy for future generations of Australians - our children, or someone's children - by giving them the opportunity to be inspired by
The Championship, inspired by the players, and inspired by learning about the true meaning of the Earlwood Ideals: Respect for others, Entertainment, Sportsmanship, Camaraderie, Humility in
victory and Sacrifice - easily remembered as the club's RESCHS code."
Tubby, Handicapper and Grand Wizard of Bovine Culture
25 DAYS TO GO!!!
EARLWOOD GYNO OUTDRINKS NEW TEST FOR EPO
The Earlwood Sports Drug Agency's (ESDA) decision to blood test Spring Matchplay competitors to detect the use of erythropoietin (EPO) has hit its first hurdle.
Leading local gynaecologist, Dr Big Jack Africa, explains. "EPO, also known as elephant juice, is a naturally occurring hormone, stimulating the production of red blood cells, and increasing the amount of oxygen the blood can carry to the muscles. Some golfers use the hormone to improve their endurance. However, EPO use can also thicken the blood, causing blood clots and increasing the risk of heart attacks and strokes. Endurance athletes are particularly vulnerable, as their blood is normally thicker due to the onset of dehydration.
"After many years of clinical trials I have found my theories on hydration and EPO have overlapped. Not only is Resch's draught a masking agent for the detection of EPO, the
constant intake of Resch's before and during your golf game actually reduces EPO's side effects by lowering the viscosity of the blood, reducing the risk of blood clots."
From The New England Medical Journal
LATE NEWS
Simon the Legend, tournament Chef de Mission, advises handicaps are likely to be released early next week, along with the names of the athletes chosen to carry the flag and take the players oath at the opening ceremony. The flag bearer is expected to display great leadership qualities as well as being a special person on and off the course.
Favourites to carry the flag include 3-time Matchplay champion Davo, veterans Blocker, The Soldier and Kenny Baby as well as the tournament maiden Dickie. Whilst Dickie's comments to a young lady at Jupiters Casino some years ago were regarded by many in the club as inappropriate and likely to have him discarded from the candidates list that's not the feeling amongst those whose opinions count.
Simon says he is anything but persona non grata. "Look, I have meet and spoken to the young lady in question and lets be honest, she wasn't pretty. She's taken Dickie's constructive criticism on board and has spent the last two years undergoing extensive dental surgery. With little more than 3 months of treatment to go, she has nothing but praise and an ongoing dental debt to show for his brutal honesty.
"Dickie has been a sensational ambassador for this club and carried himself with great dignity even when tragedy struck him at the R&A in 1997."
MARRICKVILLE 2000 GAMES
PRESS RELEASE
To the attention of Messrs Stephen Anderson, Peter Anslow, Garry Brown, Geoff Burg, John Byrnes, Ross Cave, Peter Davidson, Peter Dempsey, Greg Field, Dave Ford, David Hannah, Steve Helmich, Simon Kelly, Brian Lukins, Greg Meehan, Danny Moroney, John Purcell, John Shearman, Michael Taylor, Stephen Taylor, John Watters, Danny White, Michael White, Peter Whitton, Ken Wilson, Eddie Wojcik and Max Wood.
As elite club members who have attained the minimum October qualifying standard, the ESG&EC Match Committee invites you to play in the 2000 WS Cocks Plate Spring Matchplay Championship at the R&A Marrickville. The qualifying round is on Sunday week (October 8) with the quarter-final round the following Sunday. The semi-finals are scheduled for **Friday afternoon, October 20, with the Championship Match on Sunday, October 22 (**subject to the agreement of both participants, a semi-final may be played on another day during that week).
I am pleased to advise that some prominent members have indicated their availability for this year's event after lengthy absences. Our current tournament format allows for a maximum of twenty-four players and it should cope with this years likely field (19 teed off in '98 and '99). If we exceed twenty-four, a stableford event will be used as a qualifier. We have $200 in kitty from our football tipping competition and this will be used for refreshments after the first days play. The tournament entry fee will be $35 with the winner to receive $150, the runner-up $100 and the beaten semi-finalists $50 each. After trophies ($80) the balance will go on the bar after the Championship Match.
With tee-off scheduled for 1.00pm on October 8, members should be "on deck" at 12 noon for registration, the all important draw at 12.15, the issuing of score cards at 12.30 and the players oath to be taken at 12.40. Unfortunately, our handicapper has his hands full at this time but he assures me that his difficult and unpopular task will be completed before tee-off. If you are unable to play, I would appreciate a phone call or e-mail at your earliest convenience.
Juan Antonio Fatcat
on behalf of the ESG&EC Match Committee
BIG (SELF TITLED)
To be Big, this has forever been our passion, this desire to be Big,
Not to stand on Big's shoulders or to have Big for a friend,
Though these may be fortunate things, but to be Big.
Big steps over barriers that seem never ending,
Big conquers mountains that appear insurmountable,
Big rises above fear, triumphs over pain, pushes himself and inspires others.
To be Big, to do Big things, to take Big steps, to move the world forward.
Mr Big Jack Africa, Sydney 2000
PLAYERS OATH
You are my adversary, but you are not my enemy,
For your resistance gives me strength,
Your will gives me courage, your spirit ennobles me,
And though I aim to defeat you,
Should I succeed, I will not humiliate you,
Instead I will honour you, for without you I am a lesser man.
Mr Big Jack Africa, Sydney 2000
TRAVEL ARRANGEMENTS
The Royal & Ancient Marrickville Golf Course is the unique and exciting focal point of the ESG&EC's 2000 WS Cocks Plate Spring Matchplay Championship. The famous links course, which features some of the toughest and most picturesque holes on the Cooks Peninsula, will host four days of sometimes first class matchplay. Due to the expected large crowds, players and spectators should heed the following tips for travel to the venue.
For the duration of the tournament, access to the R&A will be via Magnolia Drive (formerly Wharf Road). All other normal access points (Wardell Road and Beaman Park Bridge) will be closed. Limited pre-booked parking is available at the R&A and Mahoney Park.
EMBARGO ON RELEASE OF HANDICAPS
Our esteemed handicapper, Mr Tubby, has insisted the release of handicaps be put under a national embargo until midnight Saturday. Although I am compelled to oblige his request, I find it hard to believe Mumma Kragg is the first player to have received a plus handicap since JPY in 1991. Less difficult to believe is the handicap given to himself and his good drinking buddy, Simon the Legend. They'll need every one of the 33 shots difference if they face a fired up Mumma. Revealing the lack of depth in the ranks at this event, only 5 players have a single figure handicap (0-7), 17 have one in the teens, 3 have ones in the low twenties and then there is the dynamic duo.
TOURNAMENT FORMGUIDE (Embargoed until midnight Saturday)
| Player (Handicap) | Form Last 4 | Comment |
|---|---|---|
| Kragg (+1) | 1-X-1-0 | Grand World Series performer with 4 victories (1992-3, 99-00) to his credit. Not suited this track where neat, dapper and polite don't cut the mustard. |
| JPY (Scr) | 6-0-X-0 | Only competed in 2 of past 5 Group 1 events. Has been seen to advantage on the provincial circuit and in the mixed doubles. Poor record this track. |
| Hemo (3) | X-X-X | Resuming after lengthy spell. Bowed tendon and broke 3 wood and putter after losing 1st round to Max in 1997. Likely to need the run. |
| Brownie (4) | X-X-X | Has not been entered for events at this track since 1992. Has performed well fresh at the past two picnic events (Bankstown and Ryde) |
| PW (5) | X-X-X | Has moved to stables at Shoal Bay since last start here in 1998. Past 4 efforts at this track exceptionally good - 1 win (1995), 2 losses in S/F to eventual winners and a Q/F loss. Unlikely to start unless fancied. Watch market. |
| Fatcat (7) | 5-2-9-0 | Solid efforts past few starts. Punters should note an overdue gear change - tongue tie now on after choking down in last years event (beaten 8 & 7). |
| Davo (11) | 8-0-0-0 | Former champion who still holds tournament record with 3 victories (1989, 91 & 94). Has not fired a shot in anger since tragically gelded in an expensive veterinary cockup. |
| Max (11) | 4-4-0-X | Track watchers report he is carrying a heavy winter coat and religious regalia. Finally produced some of his early promise at the track when 4th at last years Spring Matchplay (relegated on protest after failing to carry correct weight). |
| Ken (11) | 7-0-2-X | Expensive import who has put in some useful efforts in his three previous Group 1 starts. Will only improve. |
| Bluey (11) | X-0-X | Scratched. |
| Whitey (11) | X-0-X | Had one Group 1 start last Spring. Races best with runs well spaced so this event should suit. At odds. |
| Java (12) | 9-0-3-0 | Lining up for his 24th Group 1 start. Normally performs better in the Autumn but has had some minor success at this course. Include in your exotics. |
| Dickie (12) | X-0-X | Out of the disappointing mare Gunna Be. Will again have his supporters but tends to be fractious and dehydrates quickly. View in the enclosure. |
| Angry (12) | X-3-X | Reached the semi-finals last year. Has undergone extensive altitude training at Blackheath in preparation for this event. Place chance. |
| Kodak (12) | FTF | Has failed to finish at past few outings. Will have to pass vet inspection prior to tee off. Farrier has been asked to ensure that racing plates are worn instead of work boots. Prefer later. |
| Dave Ford (12) | X-0-X | The horse racing equivalent of the Australian mens hockey team - always fancied but fails to deliver in this company. Solid record at the Group 2 Kogarah Gold Cup but maybe outclassed here. |
| P. Wotenski (12) | X-0-X | Has been in a spelling paddock for 12 months and looks to be carrying plenty of condition. Likely to face a vet inspection before being cleared to start. |
| WG Field (13) | 0-0-X | Tasted success at this course in 1997. Timeform analysts have that win as a 10 point better performance than any of his 14 other races. Like Whitey, at his best when runs well spaced. |
| Cavey (13) | X-0-X | Known as the Little Master by wary rivals. Trainer bypassed the World Series carnival to concentrate on a gradual build-up on the El Rancho circuit before attempting to emulate his 1996 success. |
| Boo Boo (15) | X-0-X | Half brother to Angry. In only Group 1 appearance was beaten in the first round by last year's winner. Prefer to see at this stage. |
| Soldier (16) | 2-1-8-0 | Half brother to the champion Davo. Veteran gelding who has put in peak performances at his last two starts. Outstanding and overdue win last year but then, after being prominent, failed to get the distance at the World Series. |
| Danny (17) | 6-0-0-0 | Has best handicap of his short career but has failed to flatter past two outings this course. Will need to improve after losses to Kodak (98) and Angry (99). Showed some form earlier in autumn when setting short course record at Shelly Beach |
| Jack (17) | 0-X-X | Trained by the Percy Cerutty of the track. Unusual training routines based solely on the consumption of amber fluids. Before backing him, astute track watchers always check to see if Jack has remembered to turn off the car ignition before leaving the vehicle. |
| Tackhead (20) | 3-X-7 | Had one preparation in the same stable as Jack for amazing capitulation at the final hurdle (World Series). Now under the care of the capable Lady Morisset. |
| Danmeister (22) | X-0-X | Half brother to the champion Davo. Trainer has focussed on Spring racing although it has been a long time since he saluted the judge (1992). |
| Blocker (23) | 0-X-5-1 | Astonished vets reported that this equine blue blood has a heart bigger than Phar Lap. Only missed 1 start in past 23 Group 1s and winner here 1998. |
| Tubby (32) | 0-X-0-0 | Nominated but connections unsure of whether to start after alleged slight by ESG&EC President. |
| Simon (32) | X-0-4-0 | Stablemate of Tubby. Has failed to flatter in 5 starts this course and distance. Holds short course records at Toukley (Stableford) and jointly at Gosford (4BBB and Foursomes). Speedy but weak. |
WEEK 2 NEWS - VANQUISHED WATCH 8 BUMS GO ROUND
The unlucky losers from last week turned out in force to bemoan and heckle the Spring Matchplay quarter-finalists as they did battle on another perfect Marrickville Sunday. Fuelled by the inflated opinions of their worth as golfers and a seemingly endless supply of free alcohol, the hostile mob vented their collective spleen on their conquerors. The mob and the players exchanged abuse with gusto - "You choker!" and "You flea!" were recalled as some of the less offensive examples.
A concerned media approached tournament organiser, Juan Antonio Fatcat, to find out why the spectators were allowed to get so up close and personal with the players. "Look, it's a traditional thing, just like the Middle East. This tournament has always had a cauldron-like atmosphere and those that survive the blast emerge as stronger players. I know it may seem like pulling the wings off insects or using your magnifying glass on an ants nest, but many of the great players learn how to harness the energy flowing from the mob and use it to lift their game. Did you see Dickie win them over with his fist pump at the 10th? They loved it and he's a real showman. The way he lives on the edge, always willing to have a few beers with his chauffeur and bookmaker before teeing off, drinking with the spectators on the way round. People love to follow him round just to see when he'll fall over.
"Big Blocker told me the bollocking he got at the Wardell Road hole really fired him up. I mean, these guys know how to work the mob. The young tyros, say a smooth swinger like Max, come close, but they seem to be intimidated rather easily and as we sadly witnessed on the weekend, are liable to self-implode. Anyway, I'll take some measures to ensure a lot of the heat is removed from the spectators by closing the viewing deck once play gets under way. It's been pointed out more than once that a lot of the fire comes from those that take in a few too many out on the sun-drenched balcony and then slip in amongst the crowd at the 8th.
"As well, the Club has reiterated it's strong stand on the abuse of alcohol and we again implore the bar staff at Marrickville to heed our policy on the responsible service of alcohol."
DICK STANDS TALL - WALKS THE WALK AND GETS TO TALK AT THE CHAMPIONSHIP
Last weekend tour veteran, Dickie Shearman, cast aside the monkey that had haunted him since losing the 1997 final to WG Field. The Millennium Championship Match, billed as a battle between the previously uncapped Peoples Prince, Dickie, and the 1998 Champion and Marrickville Mauler, Blocker, ended in delicious irony at the R&A's par 3 15th hole with Dickie 4 up. Although the significance was lost on many of the large crowd enjoying a perfect day at the Old Course, it was at this very hole where Dickie's ill-fated challenge had finished three seasons ago.
Speaking from the players balcony after accepting the WS Cocks Plate from multiple winner Davo, Dickie said, "I think you've got - Not now Aaron, I'm giving a speech - you've got to lose - Aaron don't hit Fatcat there!! - where was I? Yeah, you've got to lose one before you win one. I'd like to - Don't throw Greg's hat off the verandah - thank all those - Fuck Deb, grab him will ya!! - that have contributed to my success over the past - Yes mate, you can play in a minute - two weeks. It's sometimes hard to play - No, not the driver Aaron, use the putter - if you are not totally focussed - Don't hit Bubba with the putter mate! - on the job at hand. Still I find it rewarding that my eldest - Yes, you can say something in a minute - has had the opportunity - I told you in a minute! - to watch me go all the - It's only 60 seconds, try and count to sixty and then you can talk to everyone - way to the Championship. No mate, you can't have a trophy - yes, you did hit the ball well today but when you're older, okay, you can have the trophy - I'm sure it's something that - No, just drink your coke - he'll remember as long as I will - Okay, you can have a mouthful no more. To Blocker, you put up the good fight but Team Shearman wore - Deb he's drunk my beer! Can you get me another one please. No, I want a super - you down. No, I'm lookin after Aaron, I can't hold the baby. To Dave Ford you might have gone a bit better - That's what happens when you drink beer Aaron, you fall down - if young Max wasn't with you. He seemed to be distracting you most of the day. I can't think of anything further to say ... what about you Aaron? ... "
JUAN SAYS BEST EVER - OCTOBER CUP & GOLD FOR PLAYERS, OFFICIAL AND SPONSORS
At the October closing ceremony, His Excellency Juan Antonio Fatcat, President of the Matchplay Committee, confirmed that the 2000 event was the best ever tournament. In addition, he awarded the October Cup for good sportsmanship to the players beaten on Week 1 who graciously turned up to heckle their conquerors the next weekend.
Mr Fatcat also presented Mr Tubby, tournament handicapper and bookmaker, and prominent sponsors, Messrs Hemo, Soldier and WG Field with October Gold Medallions for their time, assistance and generousity. The President ended the ceremony with the traditional October call, "Let the young men of Earlwood gather here in 12 months time to uphold the glory of Spring."